I still have questions.;..

First and foremost, I had a bad dream and that's what has spurred this entry.

As much as I'd like to say I've moved on and whatnot from the troublesome things of a few months ago, fact is...I haven't. I still find myself wanting to check his emails and his phone calls, I worry when I realize that when I go home for the next forensics season he'll be here at the house by himself...with strip clubs nearby...and the internet to use as much as he wants...I'm scared it's going to happen again.

I'm scared he's going to find someone "better" and forget about me and not want anything to do with me. I shouldn't have to be afraid but the neurotic side in me is making me scared as shit to ever leave the house on my own. It's a legit fear and I hate that.

Bad, Very Very Bad.

Judging from the title alone, if you read my last post, you should now know that the reason my doctor called me personally was because my test results were bad.

Basically, they've found precancerous cells and don't know their significance but I have to go in for a colposcopy and possibly biopsy.

Dear Doc, you ruined my holidays. Thank you, you suck. Hope your Christmas dinner burns. Sincerely, Me.

Look I understand that my doc's intent was not to ruin my holidays but I can't help but blame the bearer of bad news. I just can't get a break in life. Just when things seem to be going ok, something potentially life changing for the worse happens.

I hate the holidays this year...

Prayers please for courage, patience, and peace of mind, both for myself and all those in the world this CHRISTMAS season and all year round who are facing difficult times.