The Door Swings Both Ways...

So...what do you do when someone says that you need to open up and when you do, it ends in a nightmare?

I've been feeling really upset about my life, NOT my marriage (which I'll get into here shortly). I'm upset with myself that I haven't gotten my ass back into school sooner, that I haven't pursued a job as actively as I should.

Hi, my name is B and I have anger management issues.

Plain and simple, that is the root of all my problems.

I snap at those who don't deserve it whether it be Rich, my parents, my friends, strangers even. If something goes wrong in my day and it upsets me, I dwell on it and dwell on it.

Lately I've been trying to change that so Rich and I got into an argument yesterday and I told him that I was unhappy and he took it completely out of context, which in hindsight I can see why. But I'm not unhappy with him. He's everything to me. He's what keeps me going each day and he's what keeps me hoping for a bright future. But he took it as me saying I'm not happy with him.

NOT true. I'm unhappy with me and how I've let myself go and he's the only thing in my life that has been a constant since we met. I need to be better for him, my family, and for myself. I need to start living up to the expectations I have for myself. I know I can be better but it hurts when he won't even give me the time of day.

We've been through this song and dance before so I completely understand why, ya know? But God says to never give up on love for each other, for love never gives up. It is everlasting.

I wish he knew how I felt.

Onnnnnnnnnnnnn the other hand...

He doesn't realize how much it hurts when we just sit in silence. I try to bring up things to talk about and somehow it reverts to video games or facebook games or typical small talk. That hurts more than anything in the world. I feel like he's blaming this all on me and making me apologize, making me grovel and beg and I can't do that anymore.

I talked to my dad for about 3 hours today and he told me that I should never have to feel that way. He also told me that I need to stick it out and this time, we both need to hold to our promises to change and to love unconditionally.

I'll drink to that!

Mission: Move Home, Status: Complete

Well, I realize it's been a while since I've posted anything so here's an update. I'm sorry if it gets choppy too, there's just so much to go through and I don't want to write a dictionary like I sometimes end up doing:)

We made it down to South Carolina without any weather issues...that is until we got there. Obviously the South is not equipped to deal with weather like we have up North (NY, NY, MI, WI, etc...). Anyway, SC ended up getting a recordbreaking 4 inches or something, idk, but they literally shut down the ENTIRE town. McDonald's, Walmart, everything! We searched all over town for an hour to find a little podunk hole in the wall place that was open because we needed a bag of dog food.

When we went through the gate (finding an open gate was FUN...NOT...ALL except one was closed because of the treacherous weather lol!) we asked the guard where to find the Welcome Center. It seemed simple. Go to the third light, take a left, then an immediate right. WRONG. Somehow we missed it about twenty times and then finally found it by accident about an hour later after driving all over post.

Ugh...

Once hubby got everything situated and signed for his room, we took him to the building he'd be staying in and he took in some of his bigger stuff and packed it away in the storage locker in the room. He met his roomie who I guess is a pretty nice guy. They cycle drill sergeant classes in each week, so his roommate is actually a week ahead of him.

One more hassle down.

We then took some time to just hang out, which we haven't done in a very long time. We've had our issues but they seem to be smoothed over, atleast for now lol! We went to see Gulliver's Travels which I absolutely DO NOT RECOMMEND. It was horrible. It was almost as bad as Year One. Jack Black has really lost his credibility with those two "films". And we went to this really huge outdoor mall i guess you could call it. Almost like a strip mall that was super nice with tons of stores but go figure, half of them weren't open.

Hmm...

I had my first iHOP experience:) I ordered a chicken fajita omelette and it was AMAZING! LOVE LOVE LOVE it:) And their buttermilk pancakes are to DIE for! And if you know me well enough, you know I usually hate any and all breakfast food so that says a lot coming from me:D

Fast Forward...

Since Rich had to be up early this morning, I took him to his signed room last night and spent the night in the hotel by myself. I finally got myself to go to sleep around 11 but woke up around 4 because...

one of my dogs shat all over the cage. We forgot to bring their food with us so we had to substitute another kind and even though she went to the bathroom before bed, she still got an upset stomach from it. Thus, I woke up to the smell of poop and couldn't get back to sleep so I cleaned it up, ended up junking a blanket, and started the 15 some odd hour drive to my parents' house.

Drive was relatively uneventful except my windshield wiper fluid keeps freezing or getting clogged up or something. I had to stop and clean my windshield about 18 times because it kept getting gunked up from the muddy water off the road and all the salt buildup. Ick.

Driving through West Virginia was the absolute worst. Going through winding mountains with high speed winds, crazy drivers, and insane lack of visibility due to thick snow blowing everywhere. I white knuckled it the ENTIRE way through because I tend to panic in situations like that.

Other than those things, I'm not sure what else to go on about. It's 2343 right now and I've been up since 0400 and have been sitting for the majority of that entire time span and am about to go lay down. Mom said she bets that right once I lay my head down, I'll be out, and I don't want to put money on that because I'm guessing she's right.

Hope everyone's year has started off well!

Goodnight all

Ooh, wait, can't forget this: I walk in the door around 2200 and on the stove sits my favorite dinner: ma's homemade spaghetti!

(I deserve it for making it through the road trip alone, so...ha!)

2011 - Another New Start

I'm becoming increasingly anxious...not the good or bad kind of anxious...can't really pinpoint it, just anxious. About what? Getting everything cleared out and moved and secured, driving down to South Carolina and getting there without many glitches, leaving SC and driving home by myself when I've never driven down south at all let alone myself with the three little dogs, being home is totally great, I love it and take advantage of every time I get to see my family because as any military spouse knows, its not easy to make the sometimes day long drives to see families. I'm worried about driving down to SC from my parents' house on my own and navigating a new post, moving temporarily back up to NY so we can clear and then take leave to see each of our families and then making the final move down to Georgia. I'm so excited and nervous at the same time. Its my first pcs move and things are bound to drive me bonkers. Buuuuut, have any of you ever realized how just when you get reallllly acclamated to new surroundings/situations/people that *bam!* it's time to move on? I feel that same way. I feel like now that we have amazing friends, a house that works out perfectly, an amazing landlord, and just a cozy life, that fate has dealt me a new hand and said "time to play a new game".

I'm nervous about his job too when he graduates school and we move down to Georgia. His hours are going to be insane, he'll hardly have any time off, no decent travel windows to see family. Oy. My parents are getting up there in age so they said they'd love to come down and visit and see us wherever we are when they retire so that'd be great.

All in all, I guess I'm just being a worrywart but I hate the "unknown". I like to have a plan, a list, an organization over a lot of things. I guess I'm overly controlling and that's where the hating of the unknown comes in.

Oh well, I guess we shall all see where 2011 and the rest of the future takes us.

Goodnight and Happy New Year!