First and foremost, I had a bad dream and that's what has spurred this entry.
As much as I'd like to say I've moved on and whatnot from the troublesome things of a few months ago, fact is...I haven't. I still find myself wanting to check his emails and his phone calls, I worry when I realize that when I go home for the next forensics season he'll be here at the house by himself...with strip clubs nearby...and the internet to use as much as he wants...I'm scared it's going to happen again.
I'm scared he's going to find someone "better" and forget about me and not want anything to do with me. I shouldn't have to be afraid but the neurotic side in me is making me scared as shit to ever leave the house on my own. It's a legit fear and I hate that.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
New Hobby
I officially am in love with sewing...
Bought a sewing machine with a gift card my mama and papa gave me, tested it out with a few scraps and some random pieces, and have been experimenting with random online patterns/tutorials.
Tonight I finally made my first usable item that didn't turn out all wonky and crooked (much)
It's a small key ring wallet. I'm starting to realize that carrying tons of crap in a huge tote bag might not be the most convenient thing in the world, nor the best for my back and shoulders in the long run. Thus, I found this pattern online and changed the layout a bit and added the key ring tab. I wanted something that had minimal card pockets with maximum space. all of my cards i need to carry with me fit in the two pockets with room to spare. behind the card pockets is where the cash/receipts can go, and the zip compartment is for spare change.
There are a few things I'd change about it. I would change the location of the key tab and move it just a bit from where it's at now, i'd change the card pockets/bill slot and zip compartment around. I'd have the pocket openings and zipper facing the center. I would also maybe make the key tab a bit longer.
ugh.
anyway, just thought i'd share my new little obsession with all of you in cyber space:)
Bought a sewing machine with a gift card my mama and papa gave me, tested it out with a few scraps and some random pieces, and have been experimenting with random online patterns/tutorials.
Tonight I finally made my first usable item that didn't turn out all wonky and crooked (much)
It's a small key ring wallet. I'm starting to realize that carrying tons of crap in a huge tote bag might not be the most convenient thing in the world, nor the best for my back and shoulders in the long run. Thus, I found this pattern online and changed the layout a bit and added the key ring tab. I wanted something that had minimal card pockets with maximum space. all of my cards i need to carry with me fit in the two pockets with room to spare. behind the card pockets is where the cash/receipts can go, and the zip compartment is for spare change.
There are a few things I'd change about it. I would change the location of the key tab and move it just a bit from where it's at now, i'd change the card pockets/bill slot and zip compartment around. I'd have the pocket openings and zipper facing the center. I would also maybe make the key tab a bit longer.
ugh.
anyway, just thought i'd share my new little obsession with all of you in cyber space:)
Thursday, May 5, 2011
And she's back!
Howdy to anyone reading this:)
I am officially back to blogging now that I have constant internet access here at the new house in Georgia.
It's been a trip...literally and figuratively. The heat alone has been a complete 180 degree turn from upstate New York. Not necessarily a bad change, but an interesting one. The dogs sometimes can barely stand to be outside. Audie goes through buckets of water every day. The little dogs go through as much water as Audie would go through on a regular day up in New York. Water bill should be interesting in a few months.
One thing that really has me hating this place though...and i mean, HATING, LOATHING...is all the huge bugs and pests. We've hung up sticky strips in the house that are already just completely covered in moths, flies, gnats, mosquitoes. We've had several cockroaches show up in the house...dead for the most part, but a couple we found crawling around.
I'm seriously barely out of the bedroom because I hate bugs...I have a legitimate insect phobia and I barricaded myself in the room this morning because there was a cockroach as long as my index finger on it's back out in the foyer. I doused it with 409 because it was the closest thing to me in the kitchen and I would have had to cross the cockroach to get to the pest sprays and stuff that we've bought and that our landlord left for us.
I thought it was close to dead but when I sprayed it, the legs started kicking faster and faster and I thought it was gonna flip over and start crawling again so I just stood in the bathroom, reached my arm out, and sprayed it as much as possible until it stopped moving. Then I went back into the bedroom. I had to come out of the bedroom later because I was too hungry to give up lunch so I ran out to the kitchen but out of the corner of my eye (I tried to avoid looking at the cockroach soaking in 409) I saw another cockroach, a smaller one but a more alive one that was on it's back, still kicking pretty quickly. I did the same thing, scream...and then doused it with 409.
I hate this place because of the bugs. I love it because it's an adorable house and a pretty area in downtown but I hate the bugs. I'm afraid to come out of the bedroom because of them. I just plan on surviving by either being out of the house and working when i can find a job here or having rich finish killing them and throwing them away whenever he gets home each night.
I want to go back to New York...more than anything. I miss Sandra, Quasi, their doggies, the area, their WalMart...I hate the WalMart here. I can never find anything because it literally seems to move each week that I'm there. I hate the post...the px isn't all that great, the commissary is ok I guess but small. I just don't like it. The roads here are ridiculous, there's ghetto everywhere...and there's so much poverty down here...run down houses that look like the roof will cave in if you blow on it. I just don't like it. I'm sure I'll learn to like it but I wish I could learn a little faster because as of now....one word.
HATE
I am officially back to blogging now that I have constant internet access here at the new house in Georgia.
It's been a trip...literally and figuratively. The heat alone has been a complete 180 degree turn from upstate New York. Not necessarily a bad change, but an interesting one. The dogs sometimes can barely stand to be outside. Audie goes through buckets of water every day. The little dogs go through as much water as Audie would go through on a regular day up in New York. Water bill should be interesting in a few months.
One thing that really has me hating this place though...and i mean, HATING, LOATHING...is all the huge bugs and pests. We've hung up sticky strips in the house that are already just completely covered in moths, flies, gnats, mosquitoes. We've had several cockroaches show up in the house...dead for the most part, but a couple we found crawling around.
I'm seriously barely out of the bedroom because I hate bugs...I have a legitimate insect phobia and I barricaded myself in the room this morning because there was a cockroach as long as my index finger on it's back out in the foyer. I doused it with 409 because it was the closest thing to me in the kitchen and I would have had to cross the cockroach to get to the pest sprays and stuff that we've bought and that our landlord left for us.
I thought it was close to dead but when I sprayed it, the legs started kicking faster and faster and I thought it was gonna flip over and start crawling again so I just stood in the bathroom, reached my arm out, and sprayed it as much as possible until it stopped moving. Then I went back into the bedroom. I had to come out of the bedroom later because I was too hungry to give up lunch so I ran out to the kitchen but out of the corner of my eye (I tried to avoid looking at the cockroach soaking in 409) I saw another cockroach, a smaller one but a more alive one that was on it's back, still kicking pretty quickly. I did the same thing, scream...and then doused it with 409.
I hate this place because of the bugs. I love it because it's an adorable house and a pretty area in downtown but I hate the bugs. I'm afraid to come out of the bedroom because of them. I just plan on surviving by either being out of the house and working when i can find a job here or having rich finish killing them and throwing them away whenever he gets home each night.
I want to go back to New York...more than anything. I miss Sandra, Quasi, their doggies, the area, their WalMart...I hate the WalMart here. I can never find anything because it literally seems to move each week that I'm there. I hate the post...the px isn't all that great, the commissary is ok I guess but small. I just don't like it. The roads here are ridiculous, there's ghetto everywhere...and there's so much poverty down here...run down houses that look like the roof will cave in if you blow on it. I just don't like it. I'm sure I'll learn to like it but I wish I could learn a little faster because as of now....one word.
HATE
Monday, January 24, 2011
The Door Swings Both Ways...
So...what do you do when someone says that you need to open up and when you do, it ends in a nightmare?
I've been feeling really upset about my life, NOT my marriage (which I'll get into here shortly). I'm upset with myself that I haven't gotten my ass back into school sooner, that I haven't pursued a job as actively as I should.
Hi, my name is B and I have anger management issues.
Plain and simple, that is the root of all my problems.
I snap at those who don't deserve it whether it be Rich, my parents, my friends, strangers even. If something goes wrong in my day and it upsets me, I dwell on it and dwell on it.
Lately I've been trying to change that so Rich and I got into an argument yesterday and I told him that I was unhappy and he took it completely out of context, which in hindsight I can see why. But I'm not unhappy with him. He's everything to me. He's what keeps me going each day and he's what keeps me hoping for a bright future. But he took it as me saying I'm not happy with him.
NOT true. I'm unhappy with me and how I've let myself go and he's the only thing in my life that has been a constant since we met. I need to be better for him, my family, and for myself. I need to start living up to the expectations I have for myself. I know I can be better but it hurts when he won't even give me the time of day.
We've been through this song and dance before so I completely understand why, ya know? But God says to never give up on love for each other, for love never gives up. It is everlasting.
I wish he knew how I felt.
Onnnnnnnnnnnnn the other hand...
He doesn't realize how much it hurts when we just sit in silence. I try to bring up things to talk about and somehow it reverts to video games or facebook games or typical small talk. That hurts more than anything in the world. I feel like he's blaming this all on me and making me apologize, making me grovel and beg and I can't do that anymore.
I talked to my dad for about 3 hours today and he told me that I should never have to feel that way. He also told me that I need to stick it out and this time, we both need to hold to our promises to change and to love unconditionally.
I'll drink to that!
I've been feeling really upset about my life, NOT my marriage (which I'll get into here shortly). I'm upset with myself that I haven't gotten my ass back into school sooner, that I haven't pursued a job as actively as I should.
Hi, my name is B and I have anger management issues.
Plain and simple, that is the root of all my problems.
I snap at those who don't deserve it whether it be Rich, my parents, my friends, strangers even. If something goes wrong in my day and it upsets me, I dwell on it and dwell on it.
Lately I've been trying to change that so Rich and I got into an argument yesterday and I told him that I was unhappy and he took it completely out of context, which in hindsight I can see why. But I'm not unhappy with him. He's everything to me. He's what keeps me going each day and he's what keeps me hoping for a bright future. But he took it as me saying I'm not happy with him.
NOT true. I'm unhappy with me and how I've let myself go and he's the only thing in my life that has been a constant since we met. I need to be better for him, my family, and for myself. I need to start living up to the expectations I have for myself. I know I can be better but it hurts when he won't even give me the time of day.
We've been through this song and dance before so I completely understand why, ya know? But God says to never give up on love for each other, for love never gives up. It is everlasting.
I wish he knew how I felt.
Onnnnnnnnnnnnn the other hand...
He doesn't realize how much it hurts when we just sit in silence. I try to bring up things to talk about and somehow it reverts to video games or facebook games or typical small talk. That hurts more than anything in the world. I feel like he's blaming this all on me and making me apologize, making me grovel and beg and I can't do that anymore.
I talked to my dad for about 3 hours today and he told me that I should never have to feel that way. He also told me that I need to stick it out and this time, we both need to hold to our promises to change and to love unconditionally.
I'll drink to that!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Mission: Move Home, Status: Complete
Well, I realize it's been a while since I've posted anything so here's an update. I'm sorry if it gets choppy too, there's just so much to go through and I don't want to write a dictionary like I sometimes end up doing:)
We made it down to South Carolina without any weather issues...that is until we got there. Obviously the South is not equipped to deal with weather like we have up North (NY, NY, MI, WI, etc...). Anyway, SC ended up getting a recordbreaking 4 inches or something, idk, but they literally shut down the ENTIRE town. McDonald's, Walmart, everything! We searched all over town for an hour to find a little podunk hole in the wall place that was open because we needed a bag of dog food.
When we went through the gate (finding an open gate was FUN...NOT...ALL except one was closed because of the treacherous weather lol!) we asked the guard where to find the Welcome Center. It seemed simple. Go to the third light, take a left, then an immediate right. WRONG. Somehow we missed it about twenty times and then finally found it by accident about an hour later after driving all over post.
Ugh...
Once hubby got everything situated and signed for his room, we took him to the building he'd be staying in and he took in some of his bigger stuff and packed it away in the storage locker in the room. He met his roomie who I guess is a pretty nice guy. They cycle drill sergeant classes in each week, so his roommate is actually a week ahead of him.
One more hassle down.
We then took some time to just hang out, which we haven't done in a very long time. We've had our issues but they seem to be smoothed over, atleast for now lol! We went to see Gulliver's Travels which I absolutely DO NOT RECOMMEND. It was horrible. It was almost as bad as Year One. Jack Black has really lost his credibility with those two "films". And we went to this really huge outdoor mall i guess you could call it. Almost like a strip mall that was super nice with tons of stores but go figure, half of them weren't open.
Hmm...
I had my first iHOP experience:) I ordered a chicken fajita omelette and it was AMAZING! LOVE LOVE LOVE it:) And their buttermilk pancakes are to DIE for! And if you know me well enough, you know I usually hate any and all breakfast food so that says a lot coming from me:D
Fast Forward...
Since Rich had to be up early this morning, I took him to his signed room last night and spent the night in the hotel by myself. I finally got myself to go to sleep around 11 but woke up around 4 because...
one of my dogs shat all over the cage. We forgot to bring their food with us so we had to substitute another kind and even though she went to the bathroom before bed, she still got an upset stomach from it. Thus, I woke up to the smell of poop and couldn't get back to sleep so I cleaned it up, ended up junking a blanket, and started the 15 some odd hour drive to my parents' house.
Drive was relatively uneventful except my windshield wiper fluid keeps freezing or getting clogged up or something. I had to stop and clean my windshield about 18 times because it kept getting gunked up from the muddy water off the road and all the salt buildup. Ick.
Driving through West Virginia was the absolute worst. Going through winding mountains with high speed winds, crazy drivers, and insane lack of visibility due to thick snow blowing everywhere. I white knuckled it the ENTIRE way through because I tend to panic in situations like that.
Other than those things, I'm not sure what else to go on about. It's 2343 right now and I've been up since 0400 and have been sitting for the majority of that entire time span and am about to go lay down. Mom said she bets that right once I lay my head down, I'll be out, and I don't want to put money on that because I'm guessing she's right.
Hope everyone's year has started off well!
Goodnight all
Ooh, wait, can't forget this: I walk in the door around 2200 and on the stove sits my favorite dinner: ma's homemade spaghetti!
(I deserve it for making it through the road trip alone, so...ha!)
We made it down to South Carolina without any weather issues...that is until we got there. Obviously the South is not equipped to deal with weather like we have up North (NY, NY, MI, WI, etc...). Anyway, SC ended up getting a recordbreaking 4 inches or something, idk, but they literally shut down the ENTIRE town. McDonald's, Walmart, everything! We searched all over town for an hour to find a little podunk hole in the wall place that was open because we needed a bag of dog food.
When we went through the gate (finding an open gate was FUN...NOT...ALL except one was closed because of the treacherous weather lol!) we asked the guard where to find the Welcome Center. It seemed simple. Go to the third light, take a left, then an immediate right. WRONG. Somehow we missed it about twenty times and then finally found it by accident about an hour later after driving all over post.
Ugh...
Once hubby got everything situated and signed for his room, we took him to the building he'd be staying in and he took in some of his bigger stuff and packed it away in the storage locker in the room. He met his roomie who I guess is a pretty nice guy. They cycle drill sergeant classes in each week, so his roommate is actually a week ahead of him.
One more hassle down.
We then took some time to just hang out, which we haven't done in a very long time. We've had our issues but they seem to be smoothed over, atleast for now lol! We went to see Gulliver's Travels which I absolutely DO NOT RECOMMEND. It was horrible. It was almost as bad as Year One. Jack Black has really lost his credibility with those two "films". And we went to this really huge outdoor mall i guess you could call it. Almost like a strip mall that was super nice with tons of stores but go figure, half of them weren't open.
Hmm...
I had my first iHOP experience:) I ordered a chicken fajita omelette and it was AMAZING! LOVE LOVE LOVE it:) And their buttermilk pancakes are to DIE for! And if you know me well enough, you know I usually hate any and all breakfast food so that says a lot coming from me:D
Fast Forward...
Since Rich had to be up early this morning, I took him to his signed room last night and spent the night in the hotel by myself. I finally got myself to go to sleep around 11 but woke up around 4 because...
one of my dogs shat all over the cage. We forgot to bring their food with us so we had to substitute another kind and even though she went to the bathroom before bed, she still got an upset stomach from it. Thus, I woke up to the smell of poop and couldn't get back to sleep so I cleaned it up, ended up junking a blanket, and started the 15 some odd hour drive to my parents' house.
Drive was relatively uneventful except my windshield wiper fluid keeps freezing or getting clogged up or something. I had to stop and clean my windshield about 18 times because it kept getting gunked up from the muddy water off the road and all the salt buildup. Ick.
Driving through West Virginia was the absolute worst. Going through winding mountains with high speed winds, crazy drivers, and insane lack of visibility due to thick snow blowing everywhere. I white knuckled it the ENTIRE way through because I tend to panic in situations like that.
Other than those things, I'm not sure what else to go on about. It's 2343 right now and I've been up since 0400 and have been sitting for the majority of that entire time span and am about to go lay down. Mom said she bets that right once I lay my head down, I'll be out, and I don't want to put money on that because I'm guessing she's right.
Hope everyone's year has started off well!
Goodnight all
Ooh, wait, can't forget this: I walk in the door around 2200 and on the stove sits my favorite dinner: ma's homemade spaghetti!
(I deserve it for making it through the road trip alone, so...ha!)
Saturday, January 1, 2011
2011 - Another New Start
I'm becoming increasingly anxious...not the good or bad kind of anxious...can't really pinpoint it, just anxious. About what? Getting everything cleared out and moved and secured, driving down to South Carolina and getting there without many glitches, leaving SC and driving home by myself when I've never driven down south at all let alone myself with the three little dogs, being home is totally great, I love it and take advantage of every time I get to see my family because as any military spouse knows, its not easy to make the sometimes day long drives to see families. I'm worried about driving down to SC from my parents' house on my own and navigating a new post, moving temporarily back up to NY so we can clear and then take leave to see each of our families and then making the final move down to Georgia. I'm so excited and nervous at the same time. Its my first pcs move and things are bound to drive me bonkers. Buuuuut, have any of you ever realized how just when you get reallllly acclamated to new surroundings/situations/people that *bam!* it's time to move on? I feel that same way. I feel like now that we have amazing friends, a house that works out perfectly, an amazing landlord, and just a cozy life, that fate has dealt me a new hand and said "time to play a new game".
I'm nervous about his job too when he graduates school and we move down to Georgia. His hours are going to be insane, he'll hardly have any time off, no decent travel windows to see family. Oy. My parents are getting up there in age so they said they'd love to come down and visit and see us wherever we are when they retire so that'd be great.
All in all, I guess I'm just being a worrywart but I hate the "unknown". I like to have a plan, a list, an organization over a lot of things. I guess I'm overly controlling and that's where the hating of the unknown comes in.
Oh well, I guess we shall all see where 2011 and the rest of the future takes us.
Goodnight and Happy New Year!
I'm nervous about his job too when he graduates school and we move down to Georgia. His hours are going to be insane, he'll hardly have any time off, no decent travel windows to see family. Oy. My parents are getting up there in age so they said they'd love to come down and visit and see us wherever we are when they retire so that'd be great.
All in all, I guess I'm just being a worrywart but I hate the "unknown". I like to have a plan, a list, an organization over a lot of things. I guess I'm overly controlling and that's where the hating of the unknown comes in.
Oh well, I guess we shall all see where 2011 and the rest of the future takes us.
Goodnight and Happy New Year!
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