So...what do you do when someone says that you need to open up and when you do, it ends in a nightmare?
I've been feeling really upset about my life, NOT my marriage (which I'll get into here shortly). I'm upset with myself that I haven't gotten my ass back into school sooner, that I haven't pursued a job as actively as I should.
Hi, my name is B and I have anger management issues.
Plain and simple, that is the root of all my problems.
I snap at those who don't deserve it whether it be Rich, my parents, my friends, strangers even. If something goes wrong in my day and it upsets me, I dwell on it and dwell on it.
Lately I've been trying to change that so Rich and I got into an argument yesterday and I told him that I was unhappy and he took it completely out of context, which in hindsight I can see why. But I'm not unhappy with him. He's everything to me. He's what keeps me going each day and he's what keeps me hoping for a bright future. But he took it as me saying I'm not happy with him.
NOT true. I'm unhappy with me and how I've let myself go and he's the only thing in my life that has been a constant since we met. I need to be better for him, my family, and for myself. I need to start living up to the expectations I have for myself. I know I can be better but it hurts when he won't even give me the time of day.
We've been through this song and dance before so I completely understand why, ya know? But God says to never give up on love for each other, for love never gives up. It is everlasting.
I wish he knew how I felt.
Onnnnnnnnnnnnn the other hand...
He doesn't realize how much it hurts when we just sit in silence. I try to bring up things to talk about and somehow it reverts to video games or facebook games or typical small talk. That hurts more than anything in the world. I feel like he's blaming this all on me and making me apologize, making me grovel and beg and I can't do that anymore.
I talked to my dad for about 3 hours today and he told me that I should never have to feel that way. He also told me that I need to stick it out and this time, we both need to hold to our promises to change and to love unconditionally.
I'll drink to that!
Monday, January 24, 2011
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2 comments:
Oooh I so know what you are talking about and I hope you can break the silence. I so hope you can break it. It's hard to just sit there in silence, watching TV, or on the internet and nothing to talk about while there IS STUFF to talk about.
Q is the same way. All he talks about is video games or movies, Voltron and otherwise we sit in silence.
Oh geez, Rich and Q sound EXACTLY alike. it's either video games/computer games/xbox games or nothing to talk about with them. I try to get interested in the games he plays and there are a few that I like, but sometimes it just seems like we have nothing else to talk about if i'm not asking him how his game is going. But alas, we manage to get through it:)
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